My Cousin Malia is going to college (Pre-Brown Incident).

Posted: October 27, 2015 in Welcome
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For the past eight years, I have kept a secret about being related to President Obama but I guess the cats out the bag. Recently, I received a call that my cousin, Me-Me – you all know her as Malia, but I’ve known her since she was knee high to a grasshopper – she was telling me that she’s considering colleges and needed some input.

In my mind, I’m sure Sidwell offers incredible college advice since about 98% of their students go to top-tier colleges in the United States. (The other two percent travel Europe in search of identity and purpose never finding it.) Endearing as this was, I felt stressed because Uncle Bo might flip out if he knew Me-Me was even calling me from the residence. Every since he took her phone after she published that photo of her in the Pro Era t-shirt and put the above ground world on to Joey Bada$$, it’s been pretty strict in the residence.

None-the-less, I told her from my understanding you’ve decided on schools. I mean Columbia – meh – but Stanford and UCLA sound like incredible options given your interest. Is Spelman College out of the picture? I am sure a semester at Spelman on an exchange would be an incredible experience for you; it’s an amazing college. Oh, you know about Spelman, but your dad pissed off half of Morehouse so you think you will have to deal with that huh? Well, there’s always a Clark graduate they’ll take you in (Laugher in the background). Is that Nae-Nae? Ke’ she’s 14 years old now, you can’t call her Nae-Nae anymore it’s Sasha. Well, that’s not her name either; it’s Natasha – on here acting like Raven-Symone’.

You’re going to make me hang up on you acting like you ain’t from the Southside of Chiraq. (Mumbles living in Public Housing, going to private school and your daddy driving an inspector gadget Cadillac.) What? Nothing Me’, tell kinfolk I said what’s good.

Have you even considered Harvard or Oxford? I mean, Chelsea obviously benefitted from that experience, hell what about Wellesley College? Ke’, I am not trying to be like the Clinton’s. They’re trying to get like me. Oooook. Chill out. You all ‘bout to start paying rent again in a few weeks, so pump the breaks homie. Can you just answer the question? I mean what I should consider, this is just stressful, I’m going take the dog and run away. Ok. Leave the dog out of that scenario PLEASE. Because I believe, it is a felony to steal Federal Property. You saw what they did to Michael Vick right?!?! It’s all about animal rights ain’t nobody gone be checking for you.

N-E ways, this is unprecedented. It’s apparent, you’re not going to a Historically Black College, but you should take a group of friends to a Howard Homecoming, or GHOE. That’s VERY important! Homecoming?!?! I don’t like your tone man; And, YES homecoming is important. Man, what was your G.P.A., I thought you would give me academic advice? Let’s not discuss grades because it’s about critical thought in college; it’s about making lifetime friends; re-evaluating your policies; changing majors over and over; making relationship mistakes. (Okay, that might happen post-undergrad too.) It is about a holistic experience that will assist you in becoming Malia, not just the First Daughter. But that’s something you’ll have to work around. BTW, are you dating someone? That’s none of your business. Well, I don’t know if you’re dating or not but I know you got a car recently. I don’t want to have to whoop up on no East Coast prep kid at a music festival. Don’t worry Nae gone tell me at the family reunion. You are not coming. YES, I AM. Auntie ‘Chell hit me up. It’s my graduation gift.

Oh. Well, you’ve been no help at all. I know. You just wanted to talk to your big cousin, and I appreciate that too. But do this for me: Think about something that gets you heart pumping and makes you lose track of time. If it’s film, do you. If it’s music, go for it. I could totally get down with an Obama produced music video or Bio-Pic; you could make your dad’s bio, and that would be DOPE. You’re right. I have a lot to think about before this is all over.

I got to go because my grandma’ just start yelling because Nae ain’t make up her bed this morning – Look @ them.... They Madshe’s a pre madonna. You all still cleaning up, boy my momma ain’t trying to hear NOTHING about “The Help” in this camp. Oh, tell Muh I said hello. I can’t because she be dry snitching, and I am not supposed to be on this line. But I’ll hit you back in May. I like that idea about Spelman.


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